What U See Is What U Get

Sakura-Con 2023
April 7-9, 2023
Seattle Convention Center
Seattle, WA

NYE, 2022.

"When you guys get the Sakuracon rooms, count me in for a spot. I won't get a badge but I'm joining this year."

So of course a few short months later I see the hotels are up and make an announcement on LINE.

"Oh, we already got the room and it's full. Maybe we can figure something out-"

Ah, ok, no. And thank you for the suggestion that I room with randos / degens at age 31 on the grounds that there are "always plenty of spots for dudes", I'll stay home and not waste my time.

And then I got into a legal battle with my landlord, and my boss took off to Maui, and I ended up back at spinning wheels and doing dream math. No, I'm not letting the world win. Fuck this, I'll book a suite in the Hyatt for two nights and if I have to pay alone to stay there, I will.

Almost a month after the first talk, I tell the group chat that I've bought plane tickets and that I'll book a room soon. LO AND BEHOLD, one of the group has dropped out because she was mad she got asked to leave the room when I decided to come. Great, I'm sure that's going to be held against me.

Whatever, the flight is booked. I'm coming.

Auspices, Day -1

0200, 0300, 0317, 0327 - these are the numbers my phone flashes at me while I restlessly stir before my 0330 alarm. The previous day I had reserved a 0400 cab from the heavily overpriced local cab company, since our area has neither Uber nor Lyft, and this is the only service that allows reservations. Quietly I slip off to the back room to change and gather my bags, but after only 10 minutes I see I have a missed call from our area code. I call the number.

“Hi, I received a call from this number a few minutes ago?"
“Hi! Yes, I'm your cab driver, I'm actually outside your apartment right now, ready to go."
"Oh. I actually reserved the ride for 0400, I wasn't expecting you until then."
"Uhum well yes I just have other people to pick up and drop off and I just thought it would be convenient if we got an early start."

No! Twenty minutes early for a reserved ride to a destination SIX minutes away? And $25 for that ride, and I didn't even get my own cab?

"I'm not ready yet because I was expecting another 20 minutes to prepare."
"Oh, no worries, I guess I can go pick up some of my other fares and then come back for you. I might be a little late if I do that though, is that alright?"
"... No, it's not alright, but I don't really have another choice."
"Ok, I'll come back then. I'm just trying to do my best."
"See you soon."

I see a car in the abandoned carport for D. The rear lights are on. I run the numbers on zero sleep and conclude the taxi driver is idling there waiting for me - which means there ARE NO OTHER PASSENGERS.

I go outside. The neighbor's girlfriend is loading the mystery vehicle with — a suitcase. The no sleep mental maths start flying.

"You're not the cab driver, are you?"

As soon as I say it I know I'm sleep deprivation babbling and readjust.

"No, I'm Jacob's girlfriend from C, I just park here sometimes."
"Cool. Uh, are you going to the airport? If so, any chance I can slide you some cash and tag along?"

[...]

At the airport (Jacob is off to Arizona for Easter) I make a gesture call to the cab company and get no response. Through TSA I go. Everything gets set off - the patdown and my bags, separately. I get a second round of each and they open everything I brought in front of everyone in the single-room airport. No factor.

A Mexican woman with full arm tattoos is fretting beside me. She tells me

"Fuuuck man they're really backed up with bag checks today...."

I tell her I think mine's taking extra long and that she shouldn't worry.

“Yeah, but they pulled my bag aside already and dang man… I got toys in there, you know?"

No I fucking DON'T know but after a quick scan for the children that she doesn't have I realize EXACTLY what she means. My head is so far stuck in legalese from this apartment shit that my first thought is to tell her she should ask for a private bag screening and that she has privacy rights.

"Holy shit man, really? Thank you so much…. Gracias."

I'm too fucking tired to remember "De nada."

I get my bags back and sit in the corner and do something I've never done before - I whip open my laptop and smash out 20 minutes of good work at 0430. I know you're sleeping, Jocko.

Nope, he's on the east coast preparing for a MUSTER. I lose.

The flight is uneventful. As usual when I'm alone on a plane and either sleep deprived or hungover, black thoughts take over the rational. I am not des Esseintes, there is nothing normal about flying. I like that my brother does it for a living.

At the airport I find out T is en route directly from Japan, just four hours behind me. That's too long to wait around at SeaTac, so off I go. The light rail is similarly uneventful. I read a bit until it becomes crystal clear that someone near me is already on drugs, giving a wild BIWWWWWWWWW-WWWWWWWWWIP! every time the train stops.

But after I get off at Westlake around 0730 I know it's time to start enjoying minor boons of the trip. I head to the waterfront and witness something I've never seen in my life.

PIKE'S PLACE IS EMPTY. A potato sees me taking a picture and asks if I'd like her to take one for me. I talk to her for a minute about how insane this is to me after growing up nearby.

"It's one of our hidden secrets."

Of course, I'm not here early enough to beat the Asian tourists and their selfie sticks, which is how I finally found the first Starbucks, which I've managed to miss for decades somehow.

Nothing is open. I don't understand the A.M. world. I'm sitting outside Anchorhead coffee waiting for it to open so I can warm up and get a piroshky (0800, next to the Starbucks), and then finally head to the ferry. Across the street is a guy in his office facing an anatomy sculpture, wearing a mask. My fingers are freezing and typing this on my phone is difficult. GOOD does not mean make yourself miserable. Be ready for discomfort so the comfort is good and the misery is not so bad.

SNACK COUNT:

Good looks and bad looks from the people coming off of Bainbridge as I wait for the Bremerton fast ferry. I don't know what they mean, so I'll take em both. The fast ferry is FAST. Its bathroom, though I'd not take a picture of a bathroom wall, had me thinking of hamiltonian paths and I don't want to think about those things. I don't know if I EVER want to think about those things, to be honest. I need a break from math and also a nap. Day -1 is winding down and it isn't even 10am. When I get to C's, I I still need to do some remote work and "go to class"; I expect to head to a store with C later for a fat steak to recharge before doing some futon sleeping.

0850 is when I hit the exhaustion wall. Last 20 minutes of the zippy ferry. There's still a shorter 10 minute connecting ferry I need to take, and then a decent hike up a steep hill with my suitcase. I get pushed hard on this walk. By the time I'm at C's house I feel my lip tingling and that's a BAD sign. If I get a cold sore I'm not doing anything social this weekend.

Class is skipped. I napped straight through it. Since my parents are in Florida visiting my brother, heading to their place is not an option. We roll by Goodwill (God Bless Dover Books) and Wal-Mart for some expensive cream for my lip. I eat a huge steak and fall asleep before 10pm.

Rainy Days - Day 0

The weather forecast calls for Rain rain rain. My lip hasn't gotten worse. Either the cream worked or it was a false alarm. I'm always glad to use the cream if it seems like it saves me. Lip sores are terrible as both logistic headaches and self-esteem blows and they last for weeks.

I'm starting to figure out the aeropress finally. I'm making some good coffee when it comes to small batches poured for multiple people. Just in time for the bag to run out! C and I eat a kingly breakfast of steak and eggs before launching ourselves into the expensive world of subpar city food.

T grabs us from C's house since he lives right across the street from the ferry. It's pouring hard and the waves are choppy, but we sit outside in the covered area anyway.

I'm reading about Xerox PARC and PLOP - one fat drop of accumulated rain water and plaster sneaks through the overhang and lands right on my book. Oh well, I was asking for that.

Landing at the hotel! We're here before 1500 but L has given a projected arrival time of 1500-1700 because he needs to... drop off their new pet bird at pet bird daycare. New pet bird........

Off we go for a snack! C and I are not going to want a big dinner after this morning's feast but T is very hungry.

SNACK COUNT:

Much later we're back in the hotel room, unpacking and hanging banners (among them some that have been waiting for battle since February 2020). Well past 1900 L arrives.

"Well. Did anyone else get a badge?"
"Yeah."

LT head for the badge line and T asks for a "favor". I had to take a picture of something for him. C and I try to peek into the new convention center, but everything is under strict guard. I feel very distant from everything.

It's crazy to read about these Xerox guys. DARPA involvement aside, the research environment seems like an imaginary playhouse compared to the complete isolation I tinker in. It's beyond clear that my advisor is one of those idealists who is totally fine doing everything and never having most of it solidify, because the small percent that does crystallize is killer. But that means the students are forgotten and I can't shake the feeling that it's not all my fault, but I don't want to become a finger pointer.

The new con center is some masklandia Byzantium. I could not get far inside but the Escheresque stairs seemed to sprawl several stories up AND down from the entry. This might be necessary for ComicCon or PAX, but Sakura Con seems spread thin. The Sheraton might not be the winning move anymore. I'm sure they're mad about that.

We stick in the area until the badge seekers join us, and they all decide it's time for dinner.

This sign ended up in our room at some point.

That's my cue to break off from the group. I don't want to sit around in a restaurant and not eat so instead I go on a walk to see the day 0 clientele. Everyone is fat. Girls with blue hair used to be cute, now they're all lumpy and graffiti'd. Sad! Back to the hotel I go, out comes the book. Good choice; I don't see anyone for almost two hours. It's past 2300 when they return.

L pulls Étrange, Queezer, a tired Menchi, and Ms. Bishop up to the room. Those two are still roaming in the same flight patterns. If it coulda, it woulda.

Ms. Bishop asked me my name (Stan?) and was super curious what I thought about what happened in room F. earlier. Later she realizes I'm someone completely different and starts talking shit on the Froids. Ok, but you still thought I was one of them... Nothing notable comes from all of this except for some Asian who takes my phone to do a "spinning trick", and whose introduction to me was telling me "FUUUCK YOOOUU" a few times in some inside-joke voice. T asks if he goes by KantProp online and I smile to myself in the sidelines. I wonder where that guy is today, and if the TRASh hat still exists.

Bed lineup, from window to door: Ryan / L | T / C. This matters for later.

The Sun Emerges : Day 1

A sunny Friday after all that rain? We wake up around 1000, because I'm not used to the total blackout curtains. This equals an instant roll out of bed for me. Pretty quickly we decide to journey back to Le Panier---I've talked up the macarons too much.

SNACK COUNT:

This turns out to be my breakfast, of course. The group is oddly set on eating lunch at a particular curry place I've never heard of... it turns out to be served in plastic containers at a food court adjacent to Chipotle. I don't need to say it, but I might as well be explicit.

PLASTIC CURRY BOWL COUNT: 0

Back in the room after breakfast, everyone either wants to

So I'm off to UW and the bookstore on a solo Pninniad. The way this is going, I don't think anyone will be helping me with my only weekend goal, which requires a second person. It's silly and inconsequential and a significant detour so I don't blame them. I stop reading on the ride to UW after I hear "BACK THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME" on one of our stops. Best pay attention. This has become a rotten world, and this city is one of the hotspots.

Magus books is business as usual, but today it features absolutely insane "jungle riddims / ambient harsh noise" playing with no irony. I found a single book to buy. I don't know if I need to travel all that way just for the bookstore again, but it's still worth it for incidental visits.

My side visit for a Maddie-centric gift is successful, and I grab some burner mugs from Goodwill. There's not much reason to linger unless I want to run into my boss so I zip back downtown and head to the room to make my own coffee for anyone who wants it.

Cafe-derica's inaugural run.

Nothing happens for a while. LT run off since they have badges. I haven't seen C since noon.

Everyone is in a costume but me. It's still an open question if I'm going to do this or not but the longer I spend outside the more I feel like it might be fun. Still no C. T and L show up with Sierra (an old local acquaintance who knew Maddie but was too shy to say anything much to me) and we all set out for pho. I'm not excited and by the end of the trip it's justified. We went for a taste of Saigon and got Ho Chi Minh City instead.

I suit up and at the same time finally manage to get Ivo to hang out. Past midnight someone suggests we badge swap me into the old con center I accept the mission. I'll go as far as I can without a mask but there will not even be pretend covering of my face to please anyone. They can do that and take their false positive cookbook tests if they want.

Free DDR round? I'm always game. I wheeze less than I did in September, but there's still work to do.

Rando comes by. "Do you need a mask?"

"No."

One of the group asks me "did you see that staffer ask if I wanted a mask?" No, that wasn't a staffer. That was an itinerant tinker. A gypsy. If you said yes to the mask he would have tried to sell you a stolen baby next after which a triune of hunters without origin on this shore nor from any mothers womb would be inviting you to their campfire.

Unfortunately we ran into Steve. Not in some metaphorical sense, but the ingenuine article arrived in real life.

Steve has regressed to a more minimal version of Steve. He whined about everything more than before and clung to others in the group and nitpicked everything I said with platitudes and dickbutts.

"Wow, you're so meta Steve." I walk up a staircase and turn around, Steve is not following us anymore. Did I get under his skin?

A few hours later I change out of costume for the first time in three years (after only wearing it for two hours). We go down to the lobby to find someone - and there's Steve. He gives me a hearty "FUCK YOU" and that's it. Definitely got under his skin. It sounds like everyone from the local scene is avoiding him so I'm a convenient vector for an outburst.

Not pictured: me as player 2 fighting Ivo over who gets to take the hot anime girl to karaoke.

Rovers are asking for badges from people playing games. Sanctimony addiction. Volunteer staffers have gone from serving a local convention to Serving Humanity as the final bulwark of rationalism... And back to serving a local convention.

The lobby of the hotel is fucking S A D. I don't want to be here. All of these names from the past frozen in their hobbies and their memes and all sorts of unfortunates. As soon as I can break away from even our outer fringe location I'm doing it.

An absolutely rough girl, 45 by 29, in strawberry dress comes up to our circle to mope. I'm so sad. I had a bad day. A boy I thought liked me turned out not to.

NONE OF US KNOW WHO THIS GIRL IS.

"well, he didn't like you. You should sleep it off." "oh... that's how it's going to be, huh.." "That's Sammi's life, baby!"

Angel came to say hi to me in the lobby. I did not recognize her. Not because I couldn't have, but because she approached me and introduced herself as "we met once" and it confused the hell out of me. We were friends! We were ACTIVELY communicating! You can't say "We met once", or I'm going to start doing eigenface analysis on a completely different dataset!!!

The room is quiet, everyone is winding down. No one in the group has more physical energy than me this weekend but even I'm fading. I walk Ivo down to his Uber, but before bed I stop to see The Queez and Étrange who are still in the lobby at 0300.

Ms. Bishop points to a rando she's confused me with (someone who knows me?) He has hair combed up in a sweep. He hasn't taken off his aviators all weekend. The hair from behind his ears is quite literally styled to ascend vertically.

“Hey Ryan, when are you graduating? [...] Do you know who I am? [...] We're both friends with Fran Hat!"

Yes, it's true. I am friends with "Fran Hat".

Étrange : "I thought you were a postdoc."

This is light-years beyond spooksville. Even people I don't know think I'm fucking up. The guy turns out to be someone I knew as a Touhou house protégé in 2014. Time flows in mysterious ways. He tells me that I need to bring "Fran Hat" next year and I wholeheartedly agree.

Sidenote---why is it still the same ghosts from yesteryear dominating the hotel lobby at 0200 (including myself)? Why has a new generation not taken over? Is it only because they've been conditioned to be scared of everything now? Clearly the hope is down to the next-next generation because the current one is done.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Kurt Cobain's murder, in Seattle. Ranko's birthday. Momoka's birthday. I now have a full coffee spread, cups, a tumbler, the right ratios. No paying money for coffee for anyone in the crew tomorrow.

Day 2

Terrible sleep because L is destroyed. Throwing up every half an hour all night. Only now do I realize that these beds seem downsized from years past. All the same, at 1000 there are no more excuses and it's time to square up.

This morning took some effort so I started it with the first shower. C is craving a piroshky so it's finally time to go back (my piroshky count did not increase yesterday, I've had my fill). I grab one and jump into the line for macarons---today the line is HUGE, because it's Saturday. T and I split the big box.

SNACK COUNT:

At noon L is still horizontal and groaning so we suit up. I take his badge and continue the next episode of the weekend. Thus begins the first time I've spent 14 hours straight in a wig in many, many years.

Because everything has suddenly opened up to me, there's lots to do. I'm sailing to Byzantium. I'm off to the artist alley. T and I spend an hour in the game booth together and I came out with a stack of rare CDs I haven't been able to find downloads for (but no games!)

I insist on walking up every floor of the new con center.

We check back in around 1800 and L's still dead. The rally isn't happening. "I think I have stomach flu." No, you don't, but what you do have is something that will have to be fixed one day. Ivo is busy because he's in line for the FLOW concert. We wander around and end up walking by a line for... The FLOW concert.

And that's how I ended up going to the FLOW concert.

Troy stopped by later and commented on the low energy of the room. But there's a corpse present, so it's hard to throw a party... We badge swap him in to the con center.

Nothing of sustained interest happens past this point. Snippets:

Day 3 - HomeBound

As usual the sleep of travel has caught up to me by now. My bedmate having "stomach flu" the night before and being bed bound for 24 hours made for a restless companion. Someone else in the room likes to snore. There's only so much that sleeping with my head shoved under the pillow can muffle out.

Shower, dress, cleanup, a few rounds of coffee for T and C so that the smaller bag of beans is used up. L has a big suitcase to take down to his car and he needs to wait for Kohi, who has probably not packed yet.

About 15 minutes before checkout I help him bring his bags down. Three enormous porkers get on the elevator and I'm jammed in the back. The elevator won't shut.

"Maybe someone is pressing the button for us?"

The smaller kid in the front tries troubleshooting why the elevator won't budge, which involves his getting on and off the elevator while spamming the "lobby" button on the panel. This goes on for a solid three minutes. The fattest of the girls wisely says something about trying to split up the elevator passengers.

The moment she steps off, the doors close.

We check out and stash our bags with the hotel. L gets his car and drives away.

Our little group
Is down to three
So right on cue
Here's KCP

T is really gunning for gyros but his glowing recommendation for the place nearby is "they're alright"; I insist that we go to the one he raved about a bit further out, in Pike's Place. I'm actually being sneaky because it's a block from...

FINAL SNACK TALLY

And this is why I kept the tally. This looks BAD. Do better, me.

Being the short day without an FOB, our missions are much more episodic. C has a goal at the artist alley so that's our first stop. On the way to the hall we pass the usual religious cult fellas and I found myself singing the opening to What U See:

And so it was written and after all these things
I saw another angel come down from Heaven
Having great power and the earth was lighted with his glory
And he cried mightily with the strong voice saying
"Babylon the great has fallen, it's fallen and has become
The habitation of devils
and the home to every foul Spirit
And a cage of very unclean and hateful men"

This seems to me to summarize the state of conventions nicely.

The hall is still a gross mess of pastels but there doesn't seem to be any perler beads. Do the pastels have something to do with the proliferation of "low-fi" and vinyl? Of course they do.

C buys his trinkets and we head outside, off to the new con center for the last time so that we can visit the dealer's hall. Queez splits from us here to say goodbye to his friends.

We have tons of time, I figure it's time to do a full sweep of the hall. As usual, every boundary but the entrance is the budget garbage. Booths for cons, Japanese awareness (who could be more aware than a bunch of weebs?) and fringe artist alley items like… candles, knitting, and PERLER BEADS.

"I don't mind them when they're well done." Perler beads are bootleg bitmaps for autists."

Step aside gacha boxes, I just walked past a paper sack labeled "$240 - Ultra Mega Hentai Grab Bag!"

At the game booth I picked up the small cheap book I noticed on my way out the day before, but not before I grabbed the grand prize.

I love these girls, even if they can't afford shoes.

For a final wrap-up I suggest we make a circuit of the new convention center, from the basement to the fifth floor. On the escalators T and C check the fast ferry times, it sounds like we need to catch a 1540 boat. Easy. On the escalator from the third floor, it finally happens, at 1450 on Sunday:

"You got your mask?"
"No."
"It's a requirement."
"Ok."

I expected security on every subsequent floor to stop us, but once I saw the security guards on the top floor listening to their radios without their masks on, I figured we were golden. Just to be safe we took the back set of escalators out, straight to the hotel. Bags are collected, we hike down to the ferry terminal, and...

That's weird, why can't we get tickets on this machine? T, could you go ask those terminal staffers what's up?

But as soon as he walks off I know the answer. This is my fault for not double checking the ferry times. They were looking at the Saturday schedule. No fast ferries run on Sunday. Since the next ferry is in two hours, we decide to Uber back to the hotel to make due with what time we have. The Uber is booked for the convention center instead, which means going through a back door crowded parking lot and many detours. I'm mentally checked out by now.

Nothing exciting happens from here on out. We cruise around and see the com being dismantled. Everything is shutting down but we get a pleasant walk out of it. Back to the ferry, which we make this time. On the ferry our group has to relocate to avoid a woman whose phone is going "boop boop beep bop boop" every five seconds. I spy a skinny future neckbeard zoning out while staring at some ravecore stickperson taking an ass-up nap on a ferry couch. I doubt this guy even realizes he's gawking. This whole picture is manufactured.

Epilogue

That's the state of anime conventions today, it seems. I found out lots that was good, lots that was bad. My own internal metrics were recalibrated. There's fun to be had but the ecosystem we used to know is destroyed. What was good has been Froided by the years and what was bad needs to be contained. It's clear that I need to set the contexts again.

The remnants of the black shorts/skirt debate are totally, utterly crushed forever.

I think in the end my point, if I need one, is that I still had fun. That wasn't a given. The chance to step away from everything and return to an AI generated bubble of the past was a useful perspective shift. Saturday night, laying in bed after cleaning until 3am, my academic to-do list was decimated and brought back to the bare goals (stop being a loser + get out). Lose the last bit of the 2021 financial stress / 2022 sudden tension release flab. (None of the friend compliments count. Just focus on yourself.) The surprise Touhou cosplayer who returned from 2014 is correct - I need to get "Fran Hat" out to the next event. That's going to take a lot of work.

FINAL WEEKEND DRINK TALLY: 0

Maybe I can get my dad to drive around with me like I'm 15 for the next few days. There's a lot of coding to be done as well, and worthless yearly reviews and funding applications for the summer and fall. And hopefully not beyond that.

I don't head home until Thursday morning. It's time to fall alseep and dream about math. No time for a longer break - there's plenty to do before I fly.

04.10.2023
Revised 05.25.2026